Every morning when I wake up I cry. I think I don't know if I can go on, if I can take another day. I am not just grieving I suffer horrible depression too. I want so badly to go to the other side, yet at times I become terrified that it won't be there. I couldn't handle that. If I had to go back to before Josh showed me that there was indeed an afterlife.
I suppose I should backtrack a bit and re visit what got me to this point.
A little over a year ago my dad died suddenly a few days before father's day. He was taking a shower and fell. He drowned. No one found him for four days. My heart and my life shattered along with my mind. The guilt and pain I felt over not being there, over not having called him before fathers day.
I didn't believe in any afterlife even though people told me to look for signs from him. I just didn't believe.
I thought he was gone and I'd never see him again. It was agony. One day a few weeks later my car stereo turned on by itself and began playing one of my dad's favorite Elton John songs. I wanted to believe it was him, but I just couldn't.
A few days after that a bird landed suddenly on my side view mirror and sat looking at me for a few seconds before flying off. Again I wanted to believe that this was my dad. It just wouldn't stick. I believed in science. I believed when the body died then that was it.
No comments:
Post a Comment