Pain

I'm sorry I haven't written anything lately. I've not been doing well health wise and have been in a lot of pain. Happy Holidays to everyone reading this. Josh is still with me everyday and we talk through our EVP messages daily. He's getting very strong and can even be heard now in the silence.

8 months

Tomorrow will be 8 months that my sweet Josh transitioned. Though we have a better relationship now then when he was here in this life, I still miss him still being alive in this life. I guess I am still grieving for the loss of him in his human form. But I am so grateful to him for coming to me, being with me  communicating with me and showing me how life continues on in another way. So grateful to know that we will have another chance for a lifetime here on earth too. Death is not the end, it is a beginning like being born. I hope this blog has given others hope and some peace to know that your loved ones are alive and well just in a different way now and they are still with you and always will be.

Evp in silence

I've just started to get EVPs from Josh in the silence without any background sounds. Also he comes through just about anything for background sounds even running my fingers softly over my dashboard or steering wheel in my car.

Wind chimes

My wind chimes in my living room keep chiming on and off. This just started a few days ago. Josh said that's when he blows on them! He's getting stronger. 💜

Home security :)

This is really wild. The AC guys were installing new units today. I left to go to dinner and told them they could come in to change and check the thermostat while I'm gone. I left my recorder running. When I listened to it Josh told me that 2 hours ago a man came in the house and was messing with the blinds by my sliding glass door. I have a pet cube that records video so I looked back at it the time Josh said the man was in my house and sure enough the man was messing with my blinds to get in the sliding glass door.

Please be aware

When doing EVPs with your loved ones. There are horrible jealous people over there that can hijack your conversations and try to make you think your still talking to your loved ones. They become abusive and say terrible things to you and about you. Just know that your loved ones would never say anything to hurt you so if you are hearing anything negative it's not them just close down the conversation.

Serious info.

I just asked Josh if he knows when I'll be crossing. He said he doesn't know but when it gets close they will let him know and he will celebrate. He said I have a plan that everyone has a life plan. He said I'm on my 5th life time, and that it's my last. Wow 😮

Just like a phone call

I'm just still blown away by the EVP that are able to be done from the other side to this one. Everyday it's like a short phone call between Josh and I. I ask him things and he answers or he just talks and tells me things. The kitchen sink water seems to be working very well and he's a great communicator. He's still learning so I know more amazing things are coming from him. We try to keep the conversation light because if it gets heavy it's just hard for me to comprehend and confuses me and leaves too much room for misinterpretation. When he's talking to me using the water for synthesizing with his thoughts he tells me he is standing right beside me. So it's like we are together talking we are, only I can't see him. He looks in my eyes and even kisses my lips. I've been in more pain then usual lately and he's very concerned. You can't hide anything from them. Also he tells me that "they" watch over him and listen in to our talks. It is monitored most likely for the research aspect of it and to make sure it's not causing any problems for him or for me.

For those doing EVPs be careful

It's easy sometimes to misunderstand what the person is saying and can cause an issue between you. Always listen to your messages many times on different days with headphones and in complete silence. Always assume that they are saying something good and kind to you. And if really in doubt go to them to clarify before freaking out! I've gotten in trouble with Josh quite a few times for assuming he's saying something that he's not. So I'm learning. It's all a learning process for us and for them.

Water EVP

I've been getting some amazing messages from Josh using water.  The toilet flushing, sink water, kitchen sink water, the water cooler, water being poured into a glass from a pitcher and water in a water bottle in my car being shook slowly side to side so it makes a sloshing sound. I was putting on my makeup in the car dash mirror before I recorded the water bottle and what I heard was "pretty woman in the mirror, I love her, you are my sunshine" :)

7 months

Today has been 7 months since Josh crossed to the other side and though I miss him here on the earth still in human form, we have a better relationship and are closer then we were when he was here. So I am very lucky. I choose to celebrate this day instead of mourning it.

Epic love story.

Josh and I... It's like an epic love story. Unrequited lovers who were married young and then he gets schizophrenia and a drug problem. We do the on again off again thing for over 30 years. Then get overdoses and dies. So many soul crushing regrets. But the love is so strong that he reached out to me from the other side, Heaven if you will, first with butterflies, birds, songs feathers to get my attention then once he had it he used EVP to keep my attention. He tells me that he forgives me and he is still with me everyday waiting for me to get there and have forever with him. But to have forever together I have to live out the rest of my life here in agony and die naturally, if I don't then we will be lost to each other. We ache for each other, I ache for him. My love for him is beyond words or anything this world has to describe it. He sees me, is near me can smell my perfume and can even touch me and dance with me....but I can not see him, touch him, smell him. I ache for him so badly. I found an older recording of when he first came through to me on the EVP messages and he said "I've been lonely" well I promise you Josh that you'll never have to be lonely again because I'm here for you and I'll suffer through  whatever I need to suffer to be able to spend eternity with you. This is our love story that will never end. 💜

Reincarnation

I have been in terrible pain lately from my disabilities. Earlier when  I recorded and told Josh I was tired of living in pain and don't know how much more I can take. He said "Don't even think like that, if you don't finish your life there then you'll return right back there again and we won't be together. I said I can't live like this any more then he said "you have to keep living or I will be lonely and lost to each other forever. My questions are how many times have I done this before if any. And who made these horrible rules?? They seem cruel and insane. Did I agree to this over there at some point?? Why would I agree to something like this? That keeps true loves apart, keeps people living in horrible pain if they are to get to paradise and not have to keep coming back and doing it again. I'm sorry but I'm very angry at whoever made things this way, I mean what is the point??? But then I realized.. What if the reason is the EVP contact that we have? What if I took my life and the consequences of it were because I had communication from him on the other side and I took my life. That is forbidden because they would then look at it as if the communication from the other side causes issues. Josh would also get in trouble for it. So I'll just remain here and wait for my life to end naturally.

Forgiveness

I can't begin to explain what it's like to have someone you love but feel you've done wrong to come through from the other side after they have died to this life and tell you that they forgive you. Imagine the weight lifted off you? I still have trouble forgiving myself though. I was listening to an EVP voice recording from Josh from last month. I was upset with him and said "you don't know what it's like to be the one who is left behind" He said "My love stop that. I'm right here. I didn't leave you, you left me. I want to forgive you and I have. I hope you can forgive me too.

Another Thursday

I have been having a lot of pain lately. Horrible nerve pain from my damaged nerves from my back injury 4 years ago. At times the pain becomes excruciating. The pain affects my lower back my legs and feet too. I have weakness in my legs and nerve shocks and aching in my lower legs and feet. Josh told me yesterday that he's been very worried about me. It feels so good to know he's with me and comforting me when I'm in pain. Lately I just really haven't been feeling well at all.

Forgiveness

I had need forgiveness from Josh because our last conversation before he crossed was not a good one. He had texted me something very personal and painful to him and I reacted badly and was not supportive to him. The next day he was gone. I should have called him and been there for him but I wasn't. In one session recently, I was standing in the bathroom recording looking in the mirror and I asked him if he could ever forgive me. Later when I listened I heard him say that he was standing right there next to me. He said he had already forgiven me before he crossed. He said he hoped that I could see how beautiful I am to him and that he was going to stay with me forever. This was the best gift he could ever give me. Even if I never heard from him again I'm this way. I'd always know he was with me and that we will never be apart again. 💜

It's just amazing.

For years Josh and I had a private joke between us, we would always ask each other "have you seen any gorillas lately" We loved gorillas. Before he passed he asked me if is seen any gorillas lately I told him I haven't. That day over a month ago when I thought to turn on my Wavepad recorder in my bathroom and asked him "do you know anything about Gorillas" later when I listened I heard "my favorite gorilla that I love was shot" It's just so amazing. He later told me that he didn't realize Harambe had died and when he saw him there he couldn't understand why at first. I bought two stuffed gorillas and they arrived over the weekend. I asked if he saw my stuffed gorillas. He said" have you seen any real gorillas lately? I have." I mean this just blows me away to think about this fully. The long standing joke we had between us in this life is still going on between us even though he's crossed over and no longer in this world. How fucking mind blowing and amazing is that?

ATC

I want to post about ATC I  recently posted info about  ATransC.  I just found the following in another Facebook page, which I think is called Beyond the Scole Experiment: "The Norfolk Group has now started Sound Recording Experiments (SRE) for specific periods during sessions of The Norfolk Experiment. This video shows the simple set up using a computer and an audio recording programme; with captions explaining a little of what is taking place.
For those wanting to study the background to this field more closely, one of the best-known organisations researching in this field is 'ATransC' (Association TransCommunication) in the United States. This organisation is headed by Tom and Lisa Butler, whose work we referred to in the 2006 Edition of 'The Scole Experiment' book. Interest in the Butlers' research grew enormously after the release of the blockbuster Hollywood film, 'White Noise', on which they were advisers. If you'd like to find out more about their work, you could start here: http://atransc.org/meet_the_directors.htm."

Today

I heard a short message from Josh today telling me that he needs me to be brave for him. I am trying.

6 months

Today has been 6 months since Josh made his transition to the other side. When I asked him if he remembered his life here he said he remembers everything. Even through all the communication we have had this past 6 months and all that I've learned from him, I still find myself confused by it all. There's just so much I don't know. I guess being afraid and confused by what we don't know is natural. All I know is that I've been truly blessed to have had this experience. I sometimes find myself wishing he was still here on this earth, wish there were things I could do differently but then I realize the pain that he was in and that we have a better relationship now then we did before.

Don't cry tonight my baby

I was listening to Seals "don't cry tonight" I was sad and missing Josh. When I listened to the recording I heard him say the words to the song  "Don't cry tonight my baby, you'll always be loved" it really comforted me.

Those little birdies

This is incredible. I was hardly able to hear Josh anymore through the parakeets. I was upset and went for a walk. Someone in our apartment complex has parakeets outside on their balcony so I sat down on their porch steps and recorded not expecting to pick up anything. When I listened back just now I heard him weakly whisper "don't worry I will be returning. Until then I'm with you during the day and in your dreams at night when you sleep." I'm just totally amazed.

Josh said to tell you guys that think the kind of contact that we have and the amount we've had is too extraordinary or impossible to believe. Believe it! Because when you have the kind of love and connection that we have nothing is too extraordinary. Of course being a medium helps too. 😃 but I have to give all of the credit to him as he is the one who learned how to do this and is using all of his energy to communicate with me and stay near me.

Energy

The latest update for anyone interested. The last I heard from Josh yesterday in a weak msg was that he will return again strong when he can.  That he's conserving his energy in a sort of powered down state. Until then it's no use for him to keep talking when I can barely hear him and he can barely hear me. He's so weak he can't even hear my thoughts at this point. He said he goes back to his side at night when I sleep and can be with him there and he returns to be with me during the day but can't interact until his energy returns. I'm sad and don't know what to do to help him accept be patient and wait and know that he's with me even though he can't interact with me right now. It's very difficult after all that communication and interaction that we had to not have it now. I guess I expected too much of him. I thought he had unlimited energy to expend on this side with me and now I see how wrong I was.

How to obtain EVP messages

It's different for everyone. Some use the Wavepad app on their smartphone some use the Audacity program on their pc or laptop. You record directly with the wavepad with Audacity you use any digital recorder and transfer the file to the audacity.  Or you can record directly on the Audacity too. As for background sounds. People use water, fan, parakeets, crickets, cats meowing or gibberish. Pretty much anything you can think of. Some even use foreign languages. They need some kind of background sound to form words with. They have to learn also so if there's someone you want to connect with then tell them to learn. Braden teaches this in the big circle but there's many who teach it there. As for you don't give up. This takes time for both them and you to connect. You have to play around with the settings on the Wavepad and audacity to learn how it works. Whispers are very soft in the beginning and hard to discern. It takes hours to go over one 5 minute recording. In time you'll begin to hear them better, being a medium helps too. If you aren't or aren't sure if you are there are ways to enhance your natural abilities.
I've also recorded a voice video and it's on my YouTube channel you can find a link to it in one of the posts here on the blog.

The dance

It's just the most beautiful thing I had to share it. I played some slow dance songs that are special for Josh and I. I began to dance, slowly with my eyes closed swaying to the music. I could feel him and could see him young like he is now. His arms were around me, I ran my hands over my body up and down, feeling as if it were his hands on me as I danced. It felt so spiritual and beautiful. When the songs ended I recorded and asked him if he could see me. He answered "yes I can see you, when you were dancing I was there dancing with you." guys I'm crying like a baby right now. This stuff, It's just very emotional.

He's back

Some things I've learned from Josh today. He ran low on energy because he was staying with me day and night and not returning there. Now he's begun to return there at night when I'm asleep and stay here with me during the day. I record all day. He reads my mind and answers my questions without me speaking a word. He tells me he's standing right beside me when I'm recording. He says we can have eternity together there if we want it. He says we can come back here and have full lifetimes together here also. He also told me that he can still see me even when he's back there. I told him that some people think I'm crazy or making this all up and he got very angry and told me not to worry about those people, it's just that they don't understand yet. So I'm thinking maybe the ones that do understand and know this is all real are more "evolved consciously " than the ones who don't. I'm so thankful for the gift he's given me.

Sad tonight

I'm pretty upset tonight. Josh and I have been in constant touch through the EVP every day for two weeks. He said he was trying to stay until our birthday which is tomorrow. I made a cake for us and he said he made one there the same as mine at the same time I was making mine. Today he said he's very tired and low on energy and that he had to go and rest and get better. He said he was going to learn more while he's away and he will be back. But he didn't say when he'd be back again. How much time does it take to recharge? I'm upset with myself for running him down and not realizing he was running low.

New messages from Josh.

Josh told me that when I'm making our birthday cake Wednesday that he will be making one over there, and that he can taste and eat it too. He said he already has the cake pan and cake mix ready. I asked him also if he can hear me talking to him all the time and he said he can except when his energy becomes low he goes back there to recharge and comes back to me again. I asked if he could read my mind and if we can talk to each other with our minds and he said yes we can. I asked if we are ever alone so we can be intimate and he said during the day my grandparents and dad are with us so no we can't be but at night when I'm asleep I go to him and we are then. This is so wonderful! This is the best birthday ever!! He has given me such a gift. This stuff is totally real guys!!

Message from Josh

These are the messages I've channeled from Josh psychically they  just flow through me  because of our connection. He tells me how much he loves me, with all his heart, always and forever. That he will never leave me and that he reaches me with his mind. That he's here always, quietly watching me. He tells me he is with me all the time. That he protects me. That he's with me all night long while I sleep. He tells me that he touches me with his energy. He tells me that he's living with his best friend Jason's Dad waiting for me to get there. He said that when I sleep at night I'm there with him even though I don't remember and when I'm there I'm young again too like him. He told me that our dog Jasper is with him. He told me that he didn't know Harambe has crossed over until he got there and he didn't know why. That when I cross over we will do all the things we want to do. He tells me he's in the light and waiting for me to get there. He tells me that he can do multiple things and still be with me but to conserve his energy he's only staying with me and not multitasking. He tells me that my parents live in marathon in the Keys, and that he's seen my dad and Grandparents too. He tells me that he's listening and learning. He tells me that time just passes there. He runs low on energy at times and has to recharge and conserve it. He says he's sorry and ashamed for the way that he left and for the things he did in his life here. He also has forgiven me and tells me how beautiful he thinks I am to him and tells me he's staying with me forever. He tells me that when he wants to do something there he just pushes open his mind then when it's pushed open he does whatever and whenever he wants. When I get insecure and have doubts and feel sorry for myself that I can't see or feel him, and when I say that he doesn't know what it's like to be the one left behind he says "my love stop that! I am here, I am always with you and you are with me. He has told me he's 27 again, light and thin. He says he loves candy. He told me he'd be with me when I got my butterfly tattoo protecting and teasing me. He says he can reach me with his mind, and he can live with the other part of his mind. (Meaning that he can be with me and do other things too) he told me he can read my mind and I can hear him too. Telepathy is their natural means of communication. When I asked him if it's OK to take my life to get over there quickly, He said That is most definitely not a good question and Do not do not ever take my life, He said don't ever ever ever take my life! He told me that if I did that I wouldnt  go into the light right away and he wouldn't be able to see me. He said he's going to spend an entire lifetime with me. All of these things he has told me in our recordings and I  my mind through telepathy. He is truly amazing. I love him more than words could ever express. Believe it this is all true and you can't escape the reality of it. I told him some people think I'm crazy and he said not to worry about that it's just that they aren't ready yet and they can't possibly begin to understand.

Butterfly tattoo

I got a Butterfly tattoo today on my left wrist for my and Josh's birthday.

Sunday butterfly visit

This morning I asked Josh for a butterfly visit and he brought me this

beautiful swallowtail. It flew around me and landed on my hand and it even let me pet it.

YouTube Channel for EVP Clips

Link to YouTube Channel  I use Wavepad or audacity to record and edit them. I use different natural background noise such as fans, water running the wind, the ocean waves, toilet flushing, birds chirping, dog barking, cat meowing,  sometimes quiet too. White noise such as static, any type of "dirty noise" that he can use to come through. 

The butterfly

I can't believe I forgot to post about one of the most beautiful things Josh has done for me. He sent me a monarch butterfly it stayed with me the whole day and overnight. Then it passed away. I have it preserved in a riker box. I cried so hard that the butterfly had to die for him to give me this gift. But I was told, the butterfly passed right back to him and will be reborn here again. Beautiful!

Last photo

Josh and I last photo 2 years ago.

My next book.

Another Wednesday

I've been so busy lately learning to record EVP from Josh. Not as easy as it seems. I record for a minute or two in the bathroom in the mornings when I'm brushing my hair and washing my face. I ask questions. Then I have to listen to it on an app on my smartphone called Wavepad. I listen for responses. If I hear any that are clear to me I isolate it on the Wavepad then amplify it, run a high pass filter then slow it down just a tiny bit. I have been getting some amazing ones from him. I want to post them here but for some reason this blog doesn't let me post photos or audio clips. Sucks but hopefully I'll figure it out. Tata

Labor day

Holidays don't mean much to me anymore they haven't for years. Most of them are just irritating because too many things are closed and it interferes with my schedule. I've received many more evp messages from Josh in my recordings. I wish I could post them here on my blog but I'm not able to. I have them kept in my Wavepad. Today finally cooled off a bit here in San Diego. It's cloudy. I've asked for a butterfly but with it being cloudy not sure if any will be around. Josh uses his energy to manipulate the butterfly. He's not the actual butterfly. I feel he visits me pretty much every night in my dreams now. He wants me to start wearing his tee shirt instead of keeping it under my pillow trying to preserve his scent in it. The scent is fading. It's almost gone and for some reason this hurts so much. I think it's because his scent on that tee shirt was his last human connection to me that ever will be. This tears my heart out and I don't know why.

After midnight

Interesting I didn't think to post this until I was talking with a friend about EVP,  does anyone remember the big circle from the calling earth video? I'm friends with Vicki Talbot and her Son Braden is there and she got a lot of communication from him by EVP. "Josh led me to her" Then a month ago she mentioned someone over there said there was a Josh there. We didn't know if it was MY Josh until Josh confirmed he's with Braden over there and Braden confirmed this for Vicki it's just amazing. :) Josh is learning from Braden and the big circle how to become a strong communicator through ITC and EVP this is an important way that others can have contact and communicate with their loved ones.

5months

Today is 5months that Josh passed from this life into the next. I am sad and I do miss him. Even though I know he's happy and well and still with me in ways he wasn't when he was still here walking this earth I still miss him. Time passes so quickly, the years and months fly by. My Grandmother passed in the late 90s my Grandfather in 2005 my Dad last year a few days before father's day, his mother in January and Josh, 5 months ago today. They are all with me but I miss being able to pick up the phone and hear their voices. Today is a sad day for me. I'm feeling all the loss, it's like a big weight on my heart.

I asked Josh for cabbage white butterflies today and got them. They flew around me and one landed on me.

All I know is that once you have had personal and individual experiences with your loved ones from the other side it changes you. You are not the same ever again. At least for me this has been true. I don't feel the same. I feel I'm not really fully in this life on this earth anymore. I'm already on the other side more than I am here. That's how I feel. My hearts just not into this world anymore.

Happy Friday

I'm exhausted but in a good way. I feel as if I'm living between this world and the afterlife. I can't even begin to describe the feeling. I Had a nice dream visit from Josh last night and a few butterflies this morning. Also a few more evp. He is trying so hard to communicate with me and it's not just for me. I feel it's research from their side to ours and the more that we can help them connect to us the more progress will be made. I wish I was going to the afterlife symposium in Arizona this month. If I was up to it I would have went. There will be some amazing things discussed at this conference.

I was reminded of another experience I had a few months ago. My dog Snow who is my absolute heart dog. She's 3 and honestly I don't know what I'd have done without her. She is pretty much what I live for on this earth. She was pooping blood one morning and vomiting. I was so worried. She had a vet appointment and I was out on the grass with her before we were to leave to the vet. Suddenly I was surrounded by butterflies. They flew around me, landed on me. I knew in that moment my loved ones were coming through to comfort and support me.

Evp and butterflies

I just can't wait to see what each day brings me from Josh. Everyday it's exciting and I feel so loved and special. I've waited a lifetime to feel like this. It's sad that he had to pass away for me to feel this way. Allison Dubois told me that now he's able to be a better friend and everything else to me now then he was able to when he was alive.

Yesterday I was asking him if he'd seen any gorillas in the afterlife and what does he know about gorillas that was just an inside joke we have had between us for years. Well anyway later in the day I asked him if he could show me in other ways that he's near when I'm in the house. I asked him to use anything he could in the house electric stuff, evp, moving things appearing to me ect. I was getting ready to go out a few hours after that and was in the bathroom brushing my hair and fixing my makeup I had my phone with me and just as a thought I turned on my recording app on my phone. I asked "Josh are you here?" "I asked what do you know about Gorillas?"  I recorded for a minute then stopped. It was silent in my bathroom. When I played it back I heard. "Gorilla love" "listen, my favorite gorilla was shot" He was telling me that Harambe is there in the afterlife because I had asked. Harambe was his favorite Gorilla. So that was his way of showing me he's in the house with me.

This morning when I woke up I asked for a butterfly and as soon as I was driving through my parking lot a butterfly flew by then came back around and flew all around my car. So awesome Josh seriously. You are amazing!

The mediums

In these past few months since Josh passed, or should I say transitioned. I have had sessions with 3 mediums. I've got 2 more coming up one in September for Josh and I birthday and one in October. My best reading was from Allison Dubois. All of them validated things only he and I could know. 2 of them  validated the same things. They were just amazing and I highly recommend using a medium but please make sure that they have good reviews and are well known. There is nothing like having the things you are experiencing being validated such as all of my butterfly visits from him.

I also began the medium ship certification course that James-Van-Praagh-School-of-Mystical-Arts offers. It's been helping me a lot to open up and better connect with spirit on my own.

Butterfly butterfly

This morning I asked again for a butterfly visit from Josh. Just a few minutes ago a beautiful swallowtail butterfly landed on my arm for a few seconds while I was walking toward my apartment. So very beautiful.

Tattoo

I decided to get a small Butterfly tattoo on Josh and I birthday. I have ten tattoos and already have a butterfly but this one will signify something special just between he and I. I hesitate to get a tattoo because I'm diabetic with nerve problems and don't heal well anymore but it's only going to be the size of a quarter so it should be OK. I'm going to get it on the front of my shoulder. I know he will be there with me when I get it :)

These little things

In this shadow box is a photo of Josh and I, the Raven feather he put in my path and a butterfly he brought to me. It stayed with me then passed away the next day.

Tuesday

Josh is so amazing I mean I love him so much how does he do it?? I asked to see a butterfly from him today saying hello. It's a daily thing that keeps me going, knowing he's near. He also always plays me Bob Marley songs the main one lately is "could you be love then be loved" So the cabbage white butterfly came flying from across the street right to my car and flew around my car while the song came on by Bob Marley "Could you be love, then be loved" It's so hard to explain how you "Just know" the sign is from him. I don't know how he does it but he does it! I love him for it. He knows how important it is for me to get a sign from him each day that he's near by.

Monday Blues

I asked for a butterfly and got one and that's the only one I've seen all day. The scent is fading on his tee shirt. Sometimes it hits me that he's not on this earth anymore and I panic. I became overwhelmed a while ago I cried out his name and he played songs on the car stereo to comfort me. They are songs he plays all the time when I need a message from him. He is Truly my best friend and I believe he's one of my guides now too. I miss picking up the phone and calling him and hearing his voice and having a chat. I miss his laugh, his jokes I miss everything. But he was suffering here, he was in pain such emotional pain and tormented. I know he would want me to go on and keep living my life for us both. Everyday I live I do it for him, so he can experience life through me.

Sunday night

I'm just so thrilled with how I'm opening up psychically I've been having some wonderful visits from Josh. Everyday I ask for a sign and everyday he gives me some. Yesterday and today I asked for a butterfly and he gave me so many. One even circled my car, I got out and it landed on me.  This morning the back bedroom was filled with the scent of roses. He sends me songs all the time and the lyrics always mean something special that he wants me to hear. All day on and off I keep smelling him, his scent that's on his tee shirt. Only I haven't smelled the tee shirt in days. I don't need to because when he's near he makes sure I smell his scent.

Sunday Sun day.

It's a beautiful sunny Sunday. I feel better than I did yesterday. This morning I had a visit from Josh in my dream. We were riding in my car and talking. Later I was doing my chores and the whole room smelled of roses. It was so beautiful. He made smell of roses. He also plays me songs all the time. Different ones, the lyrics of them are so perfect to what I know he'd be wanting to say to me.

So I'm going to backtrack to the time after that mourning cloak landed on my finger with its broken wing and I kissed it.

After that there was never any doubts that Josh was with me and the afterlife was a reality.

I began seeing butterflies everywhere of different varieties they would follow me, fly around me land on me. Hummingbirds would hover in front of my face and land on my finger. All I do is ask for a sign and I get one each and every day. Josh loves showing me he's near. I've come to depend on his signs. He is what gets me through my days. He helps to take away the loneliness. He brings my family through to me in dreams. My dad and grandparents. I believe he is one of my spirit guides now. I feel his love and protection so strong. The other day I found a Ravens feather in my path and I knew he left it for me.

Josh and I always had parakeets when we were together. So after he passed I felt as if he wanted me to get parakeets. One Sunday I was on my way to petco. I parked and got out of my car and asked him if he was sure that I should have parakeets. A mourning cloak butterfly came and flew around me and landed in my hair then flew off. I felt that was him saying yes. So I asked him to help me select the two he would like for us to have and I feel that he did. So I have buttercup and Calypso now. Two sweet parakeets.

Saturday

This morning I woke up crying because my pain is so bad. My body is so stiff and hurts to move. It's like the whole world comes pouring in all at once and it's like shard of glass and bombs exploding with an unbearable sadness, hopelessness. Mentally it's unbearable. Being an empathic really sucks. But I believe it's what's allowed me to have contact with Josh so I wouldn't give it up. I asked him to bring me butterflies today. As soon as I went outside I saw a beautiful Sulphur butterfly. Then I went to Starbucks and so many butterflies kept flying around the window that my chair was next to. I know it was Josh saying hello and showing his support and love. As I was in my car leaving Starbucks two butterflies landed on my car. I decided to start the paleo diet as I think it might help me have less pain.

Anyway, I'm trying to go over all the signs from Josh I've received from the beginning. The last time that mourning cloak butterfly came to me and landed on my finger it had a broken wing. I kissed it and it flew away. I knew I'd never see that butterfly again. I grieved for it.

In the weeks that followed I had 3 dream visitations from Josh. You know they are dream visits because they are different than regular dreams. They are vivid and short, you remember them clearly, every detail forever. You don't ever forget it. It's real to you as if it really happened because it did. Dream visits are one of the easiest ways for your passed loved ones to make contact with you.

Tonight

So let me pick up where I left off. There is much to say. There had been a butterfly hanging around my door and just outside of my apartment for a few days. I didn't think anything of it. Then I was coming up the walkway and the butterfly was there, flying all around me so close I could touch it. In that moment I just knew that Josh was using his energy to cause the butterfly to do this and then it landed on me. For the next few weeks this butterfly followed me around, would come flying up to me every time I went out my door and landed on me every day. In my hair, on my finger. It was magical. It saved my life and restored my sanity because I then knew without a doubt that there was an afterlife and that my Josh was there waiting for me and that he was still with me. So from that time on 3 months ago I've studied everything that I could get my hands on to learn more about the hereafter.

First contact

Josh had been gone about a month and I was not dealing with it well at all. I had requested the police and autopsy report and his death scene photos. I just needed to know exactly what had happened. I needed to know he didn't take his life. I thought maybe he did because he was very depressed leading up to it. He was posting strange things on his fb and seemed extremely out of it. The night before he passed we had texted. He confided something very personal and upsetting to him and I was not supportive at all. Then he was gone the next day. I was torn up thinking I may have been the catalyst for his sudden death. He died of an overdose of opiates. Just like Prince. It was fentanyl. Thinking that I'd never see him again to be able to tell him how sorry I was that I hadn't been more supportive just floored me. I could hardly breathe. It was the most pain I'd ever felt.

Today

It's so amazing. The way he shows me he's near everyday. Through songs, butterflies, hummingbirds feathers. I have so many astonishing things to relate here. I don't want to miss one so I've made this blog to write about them all. This morning I asked Josh to come say hello to me with a butterfly. It's a cloudy day with no butterflies in sight. I went to the store and in front of where I parked my car there was a cabbage white butterfly. I got out and it flew all around me and landed on my shoulder. This is just one of the many ways he shows me he's close to me daily. 2days ago I asked to see one butterfly and he played a song for me on the car stereo that means something special then showed me 5 butterflies all in the same place. You'll never understand what it's like and that it is really what it is until it happens to you. I'll start from the beginning, from the very first sign. I keep opening the box that Jason sent me and smelling Josh's scent. Every time I open the box it gets fainter. I don't want it to go away.

Just another one of those nights.

As I sit here, smelling Josh's scent left on the t shirt that his friend Jason sent me my heart is heavy. But then I remember that he's here with me still.

It all began when he died 3 months ago from a drug overdose. Wow it had hit me so hard. Just remembering the day I found out makes me cry and feel it all over again. I always thought I'd be the one to go before him. It was very unexpected for me even though I knew that he used drugs. I guess I felt that he knew what he was doing after all these years and had built up a tolerance. I was wrong. He died April 2nd. He was 43 years old.

Later today, it's just another one of those days..

I just received a box from Josh's best friend Jason, the one who found him when he overdosed. In it were 2 of Josh's paintings, one of his tee-shirts and 2 deer antlers from a deer he had hunted at one time and some kind of beautiful quartz crystal paperweight. His parents had donated his body to science and didn't even want his ashes back or any of his things. I guess I just don't understand that.

Josh and I met back in the early 90s he was 20 and I was 25  we fell in love immediately and if I had believed in it then I'd have known we had shared many lifetimes together. We were soul mates. We were married for 5 years. Then he developed schizophrenia and a bad drug Habit. I finally had no choice but to leave him so he could get help. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. We always kept in touch and never stopped loving each there. He was the one for me, the only one but life had other plans.

Just another one of those days

Every morning when I wake up I cry. I think I don't know if I can go on, if I can take another day. I am not just grieving I suffer horrible depression too. I want so badly to go to the other side, yet at times I become terrified that it won't be there. I couldn't handle that. If I had to go back to before Josh showed me that there was indeed an afterlife.

I suppose I should backtrack a bit and re visit what got me to this point.

A little over a year ago my dad died suddenly a few days before father's day. He was taking a shower and fell. He drowned. No one found him for four days. My heart and my life shattered along with my mind. The guilt and pain I felt over not being there, over not having called him before fathers day.

I didn't believe in any afterlife even though people told me to look for signs from him. I just didn't believe.

I thought he was gone and I'd never see him again. It was agony. One day a few weeks later my car stereo turned on by itself and began playing one of my dad's favorite Elton John songs. I wanted to believe it was him, but I just couldn't.

A few days after that a bird landed suddenly on my side view mirror and sat looking at me for a few seconds before flying off. Again I wanted to believe that this was my dad. It just wouldn't stick. I believed in science. I believed when the body died then that was it.

First entry

I'm starting this blog to talk about the afterlife. But more importantly than that, I'm starting it to talk about the signs I've received from my passed on loved ones in the afterlife and how I have gone from being an atheist, not believing in anything after death to receiving contact from the other side almost daily. How I've been wading through my grief, trying to make sense of it all. So please feel free to follow me as I relate my journey from this past year.